Twelve years of trying. Twelve years, on and off, with alternating bursts of hope and self-doubt.
Twelve years of periodic wondering what I needed to do differently in order to be seen, to be received, to be wanted.
I have been accepted to an MFA program in acting.
Just this week, I got the official offer of admission from CSU Los Angeles — I will be joining them this fall to pursue my MFA in their department of Television, Film, and Theatre, and I am so full of emotions and reflections.
This means more to me than I believe I can ever fully articulate, and the program hasn’t even begun yet. When I told my friend Jenni about it at our monthly girls’ brunch, she remarked “I see that light in your eyes again.”
Friends, I hadn’t realized that other people could see that the light was out.
Up until recently — just the past few months or so — I had been living with and living through a depression/anxiety cycle that I entered into in late 2012/early 2013. I say living through very deliberately: there were multiple times in the last four years when I wanted to step away from this world. It was a darkness and weight I had not known for over a decade, but this time I had more tools to meet it with.
I also have been blessed to have a partner on this journey since late 2014. Joel has been such a positive constant in my life, through the darkest valleys and the highest highs. He tends to meet me with gentleness and presence and patience, all of which have been incredibly comforting and light-bringing during the hardest days.
One of the biggest steps I have taken in self-preservation and recovery from this most recent, long-lasting cycle of depression/anxiety is sobriety. November 10, 2016, I took my last drink of alcohol, and I have not looked back. Friends, again I have no words at this moment. I am still on the road to recovery from alcoholism, and so it is a process I still keep close, but I can say without hesitation that my recovery from alcohol has exponentially increased my rate of recovery from depression/anxiety.
I am entering into this next phase with such a clear head and open heart. A year ago, this clarity and openness, this re-acceptance of self, this belief in my own power and ability–it was gone, and it had been gone for some time. Thank the Universe for perseverance, for all of the love from all of you who have helped to carry me — even when you had no idea that you were carrying me. Thank you to everyone who saw what I was experiencing, and stood by me anyway.
Thank you Love, for being the force that drives us into progress, that binds our hearts together, and that inspires the creative power within each and every one of us.
Thank you to the MFA program at CSU Los Angeles, for seeing me, for receiving me, and for wanting me — warts and glory and all — and for extending your hand in welcome.
I AM GOING TO GRAD SCHOOL!!!!