Start of write: June 3, 2018 – 8:22pm

Just got home 10 minutes ago from a 30+ minute walk. Why did I take a sunset walk? Well, it was a perfect time of day to be outside—the golden hour—and it was great to use the iPhone arm band I got myself over a year ago and have never once used.

But the real reason I needed to get out and not just hit my 10,000 steps but exceed it by 3,000 steps is because I ate AN ENTIRE BOX OF CASCADIA FARMS BERRY VANILLA PUFFS. Yes, friends, between getting home from Sprouts around noon, and 6pm this evening, I managed to eat an entire box of cereal.

I have been tracking my food on MyFitnessPal in the past couple weeks, because I got a new doctor (what with the move to LA and all), and she is FANTASTIC. She also was totally honest about my BMI, and the precautionary measure of running blood panels to make sure the cholesterol levels and things are all good. Sure enough, my LDL’s (the “bad” cholesterols) are a leeeeetle high. Really, truly, just a little bit—something that can almost definitely be reversed with some necessary self-care.

Friends, the Universe knows me.

It knows that when it comes to self-destructive behaviors/tendencies, I sometimes need a swift kick in the ass to jumpstart the necessary process of healing.

Like getting sober—the Universe was like “this blessed creature really won’t listen to a thing she’s telling herself. Here she is, constantly wishing she would grow the backbone to stop drinking, but she’s unable to get herself there. Looks like I’m gonna have to give her a sign she can’t ignore.”

Cut to—me developing chronic pancreatitis to the point where, if I had kept drinking like I was, I could very well not be here today. My body screamed “I AM GOING TO TURN THIS CAR ALL THE WAY AROUND, PARK IT IN THE DRIVEWAY, AND THROW AWAY THE KEY, IF YOU DON’T KNOCK THAT SHIT OFF.”

Finally, this time, I listened. I quit cold turkey the very next day, and I have not had a drink since.

As I’ve mentioned before in various online musings over the years, I have had a long and tumultuous relationship with food issues. I love food, as any person with functioning taste buds should, and I love food shopping, meal planning, cooking, baking, watching the Great British Bake Off, trying new foods, etc.

But I also abuse food. And while eating an entire box of cereal could be one of those “hey, you were just having an off day—everyone’s gotta give in to wacky food urges once in a while!” for people who have a generally healthy relationship with food, I don’t have that healthy relationship. At best, it’s an on-again, off-again sort of arrangement…sometimes I’m onboard with self-care and nourishing myself from the inside out…sometimes, I’m totally off the wagon and sneaking 1,000 extra calories a day of pure junk food (or cereal, as the case may be).

Encouraging balance can happen in all sorts of ways. Getting some added exercise in, like tonight, for instance. Using MyFitnessPal to truly track food and help me reawaken my awareness is almost always a major positive for me. The trouble can be sticking with it…that old willpower really is faultily wired in me…but when potentially serious health issues raise their head, it’s hard to fully let bad habits win.

The part that had me shaking my head at myself a bit was that the Universe already tried to save me from my food abuse – the chronic pancreatitis makes it so that each day with added junk food and sweets is one day closer to a possible pancreatic flare-up: a painful, often debilitating episode that can last anywhere from 30 minutes to hours on end. But as my pancreas healed from alcohol abuse, and the flare-ups became far and further between, I deluded myself into letting the unhealthy relationship flourish once more.

So. The fridge is stocked with good, friendly foods, I have some meals planned for the week, and I’ve promised myself that the rest of the cereal in the house (crunchy raisin bran and Honey Nut Cheerios) will be reserved for Joel’s breakfast needs. And honestly, having to add in the 1100 calories that makes up a box of Vanilla Berry Puffs into MyFitnessPal is pretty dang motivating to NOT DO THAT AGAIN any time soon.

Sorry to have a mini rant/vent sesh about food. I know it’s not just a sensitive topic for me – it can be a touchy subject for others as well. Part of rebuilding that healthy relationship though, is communicating with myself about it – which this entry does.

Have a GLORIOUS day, humans!

End write: June 3, 2018, 8:54pm

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