Sometimes I feel like I am not enough.
Sometimes the old, ongoing inertia wins and I will find that hours of my day have been spent doing “nothing,” by which I mean “nothing that I love, nothing that nourishes me, nothing productive, nothing on my to-do lists, nothing for my spirit.”
That’s when I feel like I am not enough.
During this, there is a type of dissociation that happens, when I experience things from an outside perspective, like watching a movie, or taking notes at a play. From an outside vantage point, I see the moment(s) when I choose to engage with the inertia, rather than begin a simple task, and from that vantage point, I judge myself. I am both the person who is succumbing to inertia and also the person who is chiding this choice.
The dissociated self knows that I am enough, but chooses negative reinforcement instead. The me-that-is-outside-myself is frustrated because I have chosen to continue saying “no” to myself, but even this Me has a language problem. It will not use loving words with me, or be patient, or kind. It is frustrated.
I am frustrated.
So I am writing this down, for me, and for the me-that-is-outside-myself:
There are ways to encourage positive choices without invoking guilt and shame.
There is something to be learned from every choice.
To learn is to grow.
I am learning, I am growing, I am enough.
When I choose to engage with inertia, with the denial of growth, I will respond with love.
Loving myself is something I do daily.
It’s also one of the most difficult things that I do, because along the way I trained myself to believe that I didn’t deserve it, that I wasn’t enough.
I know better, now.
Knowing and doing are two different things, though.
I love myself and I give love to myself and in this moment I am visibly giving myself permission to release the negative reinforcement.
I acknowledge that all things take time.
I acknowledge that I may take steps back in my journey forward.
I acknowledge that I am worthy of the effort.
I am enough.